Quick Thoughts- Self Love

 

Between the ages of 11 and 15, I absolutely hated the way I looked. My body was going through a very weird transitional phase, I hadn’t grown any taller since year 5, my hair was a slicked-back greasy mess, and lets not even talk about my pepperoni-face.

 

At the time, I was constantly comparing myself to my peers and wondering why I was lagging so far behind them. My friends had constant attention from the boys in my year and I was left wondering why none of them ever took a second look at me.

 

I was reading magazines and had just come across the YouTube beauty community at the time, and while the tips they provided were great, I couldn’t help but look down on myself and feel defeated about what I could do.

 

 

Shortly after my 15th birthday, I was sitting at a table with my friends and one of the girls was wearing a very large flower crown which she was very proud of. Soon enough, it was passed around the table and everybody tried it on.

When it was my turn to place the gargantuan roses upon my head, the girl groaned and her shoulders slumped.

“Well of course it looks good on you,” she said with a sigh.

That was the first true compliment I had ever received outside of my family, and I was very taken aback by it. For the rest of the day, those words remained at the forefront of my mind and I was truly dumbfounded by the statement.

 

 

At the age of 16, I went on a school excursion with a few of my friends and my older cousin’s year.

 

During our drive home, she informed me that a group of boys had an… interesting discussion about me on the bus.

Once again, I was left completely shocked by this. It was as if I had looked down on myself for such a long time that my mind wouldn’t allow me to accept anything as a compliment and went straight to the “they must be making fun of me” angle each and every time it happened.

 

From those years, I fell into a state of never believing I was good enough for anyone or anything. I would pick out every possible “flaw” that I had and sometimes cry over the fact that I didn’t look like my peers or the countless celebrities I looked up to at the time.

 

 

When I turned 17, my acne was finally at rest and didn’t seem to be coming back. My hair was under control and I had a very slight growth spurt- all of which eased my mind just a little.

 

But the real turning point came when I started the HSC year. My life became unbearably busy, I got my first job, and I saw my first tiny glimpse of adulthood. It was like the stress and hope for the future had filled my mind so much that the hateful thoughts had nowhere to go but far, far away.

 

I still found it extremely difficult to accept compliments and struggled when I looked in the mirror, but things were beginning to look up.

 

Two years later, and things have changed immensely.

 

Leaving high school meant escaping a bubble of negativity and limited possibility, and entering an open space where I could take myself wherever I needed to go.

 

If someone told me 5 years ago that at 19 I would share this story and pictures of me without any makeup on on the internet, I would have been utterly horrified. But that’s what I’ve done, and if it wasn’t for that portion of my life, I would never have been able to do so.

 

The mentality that held me as its most prized prisoner was built with bricks of hormones, years of bullying, and the undeniable influence of the media. While I cannot ever fully escape this prison, stepping into the real world showed me that I was never really trapped.

The door was always wide open- I just needed to find it.

 

 

If you are feeling extremely low or thinking dark thoughts, please contact Lifeline by clicking here or calling 13 11 14, or Kids Helpline by clicking here or calling 1800 55 1800.