This isn’t my usual kind of post. No perfectly edited macro photography. No unnecessarily profound conclusion. It’s just me, and my feelings.
I always try to remain positive and focus on light hearted topics, mainly because I wholeheartedly enjoy talking about them. But I also know that those light hearted posts may be someone’s release- a place to make them feel good. And being able to provide that for someone is possibly the most rewarding thing one can experience.
I’ll try my best not to be a Negative Nancy through this whole thing, but here I go!
I am currently amidst my very own existential crisis.
This year, I put my foot on the accelerator and commenced the journey through University.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have always been creatively wired. I really enjoy writing, photography, art, and my number 1 passion of beauty.
On the other side of this, I threw 17 years of my life into learning and furthermore, studying my butt off at school.
For as long as I can remember, people have told me how great I would be at journalism. It would be a way of channelling my creative instincts, and creating content that would encourage me to continue learning about the world around me.
It was something I agreed with and with little to no thought, dedicated everything to.
In my final year of school, I applied to the course at a leading University. My teachers drilling the idea into my head, that I would need to work really hard to get the marks I needed to get in. The unspoken pressure from my peers weighed heavily on my mind at all times.
When I received my offer, I breathed a monumental sigh of relief. “Good,” I thought. “That’s step one”.
And now I sit before this laptop with tear stained cheeks and a stress headache (you were right Mum, I should’ve taken that Panadol), wondering why. Why have I gotten to this point?
If someone came to me one year ago, and asked “Hey Claire, what do you see yourself doing this time next year?” there would have been no question as to what I would say.
“I will be studying at University, making a name for myself, meeting new people, and loving every second of it!”
But the truth is, I’m not.
I’m struggling. Struggling more than I ever thought possible.
I’ve never been good at making decisions, and the ones I’m going to have to make soon will be the toughest I have ever faced.
What am I doing?
What do I want in life?
Have I made the wrong choice?
Why am I feeling this way?
I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. But what I do know, is that it’s ok not to know.
This is the first major thing I’ve done by myself, so it scares me knowing that I have to make these choices on my own, because it’s my life now- and quite frankly, that terrifies me.
This post doesn’t have a real conclusion, and for that, I’m sorry.
But if any of you are feeling the same way, I want you to know that you’re not alone.
